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Theories behind Wallingford’s weird red goo

An Instagram account called @wallingfordredgoo displays a photo of a red blog on the ground

According to one Instagram account, sightings of the goo date back to May. | Photo via @wallingfordredgoo

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Someone call Eleven, please. According to posts on Reddit, Instagram + Twitter, a mysterious red globule that attracts ants has recently appeared on the ground in Wallingford along 46th St. And nobody knows where the dang thing came from. We’re not freaking out — you are.

Since this is the internet, people have theories. Let’s examine some of them in our sturdiest hazmat suits + proton packs strapped to backs.

Theory No. 1: It’s a type of mold

A fungus among us? One Reddit user suggested the goo resembles Tubifera ferruginosa — also known as the raspberry slime mold found in many parts of the US. The only issue is that the mold mainly grows in forest areas on decaying wood — and the Wallingford entity seems more of a concrete kinda dude.
Likelihood: 3 out of 10 goo-gles

Theory No. 2: It’s melted candy

Well, this would be anticlimactic. A couple of Reddit sleuths believe the blob is really just red candy that melted out in the sun — Swedish fish birds ate and dropped, or the lobster gummies from Trader Joe’s. That might explain why ants like to eat it — but it doesn’t explain why we still want it to be aliens. Likelihood: 6 out of 10 goo-gles

Theory No. 3: It’s a practical joke

Another Reddit user pointed out the eerie similarity with an old bit from “Last Podcast on the Left” about someone discovering weird slime in his neighborhood + putting up flyers. Our inquiries to the email address from the Wallingford poster weren’t returned, which could confirm this theory — or mean the aliens have finally claimed a victim, y’all. Why won’t you listen to us?
Likelihood: 9 out of 10 goo-gles

Theory No. 4: It’s the larval spawn of the Wallingford Beast

We contacted leading goo experts Archie McPheewhich happen to have a store right in Wallingford — and they had a more interesting take. “The only insight we can offer is that it is the mating season of the Wallingford Beast and we are unclear exactly what its reproductive cycle looks like,” said David Wahl, the toy store’s Director of Awesome (yes, really).
Likelihood: We want to believe. Case closed.

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